Writer, Filmmaker & Erotic Novelist.

“I fought Sugar Ray so many times I got diabetes.”

—   Jake La Motta

Susan Boyle taught us that before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune for you. And if they can’t fuck ‘em.

“Have you ever had milk the day after the day? Scares the hell out of you doesn’t it.”

—   Jerry Seinfeld

The doctor told me I need to stop eating McDonald’s and crisps and chocolate bars and fatty meats and trifle. When I asked why, he said, “Because, this is a doctor’s office. There is no food allowed in here.”

Today’s checklist:

Stay in bed until midday✓
Eat pizza✓
Drink tea✓
Get back into bed and watch stand up comedy on Netflix until leaving the house for the work Christmas do✓

Woody Allen - Brooklyn

Brooklyn

A few pages from my comic Up The Down One

Online Dating

This security guard at work approached me in the middle of my shift.

“Guess what I did the other day” He says.

When he says this I know I should say “don’t care” but I let him continue regardless.

“Strawberry cheesecake” He continues.

For anyone that doesn’t know what a strawberry cheesescake is. You have your wife (this is assuming that anyone who does this is happily married or you have at least tricked them and now they’re trapped in wedlock, ‘Cause the thought of suggesting this to anyone you’re are not sexually-comfortable with is ridiculous) go ”downtown”. Then (I must first assure you i do not condone this kind of activity in anyway) when she’s finished, you cum in her face and punch her in the nose.
Disgusting, i know.


I wouldn’t know about this ‘cause I’m celebet, yep. It’s a decision. It’s not my decision. It’s a decision made by all the women in the world. They got together & made a group, there’s a face book group I think, called ‘Don’t have sex with rich warrenger’. I’m actually a member of that group. I just had so many notifications I accepted them all without going through them. Now I get emails saying, “Ergh, look at rich warrenger’s new profile picture. Don’t have sex with him”.

So any way, I decided it was time to end the celebacy & go out on a date. So I joined a dating website. I was pretty embarrased about it at first but I thought, there must be some normal people that go on these things. And if there aren’t i’ll just shag a weirdo. 
So i’m filling in the profile and my flatmate comes in and see’s it. I explain to her that I need to get out & have sex because I think my virginity’s growing back. First thing she says is, “I thought you were gay?”. I’ve been friends with this girl for about 15 years. I think she thought ‘cause I hadn’t been in a relationship for so long I had just changed sexual preference. I haven’t had a boyfriend either so i’m not sure why she would assume i’m gay. Well it could be because she walked in on me whilst I was watching that scene from pulp fiction where Bruce Willis gets out of the shower frame by frame so I could see his dick. I wasn’t doing it to see his dick, I was doing it to see if you can see his dick. Turns out you can so it was worth it.

Any way. She says she’s going to help me and starts teaching me how to talk to girls. She says I need clever, funny & charming lines to keep them interested. I am rubbish at chat up lines. She told me one that worked on her. Some guy came up to her and said, “I love those pant’s. Incidently theres a sale on at my house. Your pants, 100% off!”. I couldn’t think of anything at the time so I told her i’d work on it. First one I tried I didn’t even speak, I just held up a condom infront of her and shrugged like, what do you reckon?and when she said no I turned around to the girl next to her, held it up again and said “you?”. Didn’t work. 
Second date, I went to this place and I saw the girl. She was large, to say the least. You know those big girls that you think would look good if they had lost a bit of weight? She wasn’t one of them. She had a really low cut top on and a short skirt, and she had cellulite all over her tits. And I was thinking, if you’re that fat and that ugly do everyone a favour and just kill yourself. I’m kidding, of course.
Allie told me I need to be a bit more cute & cheeky. Make a rude joke. Third times a charm they say. I turned up at the third date with my new chat up line ready. And as soon as a met her I said. “You look really good in that dress. I bet you’d look even better after i’ve strawberry cheese-caked you”.

Graffiti

I love Graffiti. I don’t necessarily agree with drawing on peoples walls but i think it’s hilarious. I saw one that said “i hate queers”. Fair enough, he’s voicing his opinion, everyone’s entitled to it. “No Law” i saw once. Not very specific. What law? All Laws? If you’re going to graffiti at least make it constructive, like this one. I was walking past the university and in huge letters on the wall, someone had sprayed “FUCK OF”, not fuck off, fuck of. This person had obviously been denied a place on the english course at the uni and when he recieved his rejection letter he thought to himself, “Someones gotta teach these bastards a lesson”, and that’s what he came up with, “FUCK OF”. When i was at uni in student halls, somebody had written “Tbag your mom” on the wall of the corridor. There was only one american guy in the whole building so the security guards went round to his flat banged him out.

Best one i ever saw was at the train station and it was absolute genius. I loved this one because they had obviously put loads of effort into it. They had sat down and thought about the countries problems, the political issues facing us as a nation and what the solution was. After hours of brainstorming and probably doing pie charts and stuff, he went to the train station, walked up to the edge of the platform and wrote “Fuck the Gap” over the sign that said “Mind the gap”. That means nothing, it’s there as a health warning. Thats like writing “Fuck your head” at the top of the stairs.